What it all boils down to...

I know that I am a control freak. I know that I want to have things my way all of the time. But it isn't because I want to manipulate you or 'win'. It's a security blanket. The more that I can control, the less that is likely to go wrong and hurt me. But I have been making an honest effort while you have been gone to think about how this affects you and change my thinking patterns when it comes to right and wrong. Neither of us is wrong, we just can't agree on something that feels right for both of us. I feel like this change has not been noticed or appreciated because any time I have an opinion or disagree with you on something, you immediately jump to that place in your mind that says I just want to control you, and you stop listening. I need you to forgive me for the mistakes of my past when I was too demanding of you and let go of all of those specific instances you feel resentful for so that we can repair our marriage before it's too late. Dredging up every little thing that has ever hurt you from our past cannot be what we build our future on.

I have forgiven you for your mistakes. I want to truly let them go and start fresh as if they never happened. And I need you to want the same and truly mean it and follow through with it by never bringing up those specific occasions as ammunition in an argument again. They cease to be valid if and when you decide to forgive me and let them go. And I make that same promise to you right now. All of those things you have done that have hurt me or caused me to retreat to that dark place I go when my trust is broken: I forgive you for them. I sincerely forgive you for them all. And now I want to forget them. I never want to bring them up in an argument again. I never want to even think of them if I can help it. Because fixing us is about moving past those things. And I'm ready for that. Are you ready to do the same for me?

This means letting go of the anger and resentment you feel for missing out on everything during this deployment. This means never speaking in an accusatory manner about where our money went or how disappointed you are that it's gone. It's gone. Continuing to say hurtful things regarding it to me every time you get the smallest bit upset about anything is not going to magically bring the money back. Instead you are pushing me away and causing me to build up a wall so that your words can't hurt me anymore. And I do not want to lock you out. So in the best interest of our communication and our marriage, I need you to sincerely forgive me for whatever it is you think I have done to wrong you in that regard and let it go never to be mentioned again in such a way. So that we can start fresh without dredging up hurt from the past and truly give our marriage a chance at surviving this.

In regards to your behavior over these issues, I feel the way you have treated me needs to be addressed. I understand that things are difficult for you. I understand that you are influenced by the opinions of others. I understand that you feel the need to prove yourself to them somehow and feel you need some worldly possession to satisfy your pride. But pride is a dangerous thing. The pride and greed you have shown me even over just this one object is something I have never seen in you before, and it scares me. It scares me because you have always been the man to say you needed nothing but me; that you could live in a cardboard box and be the happiest man alive as long as I was with you. Just because we have some money doesn't mean you should feel any different. I feel you should be content sharing a cardboard box with me even if we could afford a mansion. And you thought that way once, too. I hope that the influences of others concerning worldly goods has not changed you so much that the desire for an object will surpass that unconditional love you once claimed you had for me.

In all honesty I feel like no worldly possession no matter how much you desire it should be important enough for you to yell at me or belittle me. I feel that there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Ever. It accomplishes nothing but hurt feelings. I have been hurt so deeply by your words and your actions in recent days, that I feel myself distancing from you. I recognize the process in myself that is preparation for heartbreak. I find myself sincerely thinking about us being over; that we will never be what we were, and things are only going to get worse. I find myself preparing for the end a little more each day.

How did we come to this point over an object? Over money? Over things you once promised me didn't matter as long as we were together? Do you sincerely believe the way you have treated me regarding something that you once claimed was trivial is okay? Because regardless of your situation or the people you are around, it isn't okay. It's destroying what's left of us. You always say you want to prove them all wrong. But you have to start with you. My heart can't take going through this every time you are gone. I need to know that you will treat me with the same love and respect you do at home even when you are surrounded by other influences.

I know that when you come home things will be better. We will be so filled with love and adoration for each other after being separated for so long that nothing else will matter. But I feel like nothing else should matter even when we are oceans apart. And I know that after this experience we will have to have serious conversations about how to deal with the distance, the influences, and any resentment that comes up along the way before you are deployed again so that we don't repeat these mistakes.

But I need you to want that. I need you to sincerely believe that your inappropriate behavior toward me was a mistake and wrong regardless of the circumstances. I need you to be truly sorry for the hurtful things you have said and the way you treated me over something that should never go that far. Because only then can I move past this last offense and forgive you for it. And I want to put it behind us. Please, allow us to do that. If we can do that right here and right now, then I feel we are giving our marriage a fighting chance. I feel we could take on the world and prove them all wrong. I just need to know that you are the Ryan I married, and that you don't really believe those cruel things you said. I need to know that there's something left of who we were to fight for. I need a reason to stop preparing myself for the end. Be the man I know you are and be that reason. If you can do that, then we can do anything.

And if you can do that, I think we can finally discuss the logistics of this situation in a more civil and logical manner regarding what is realistic without feeling like either one of us is 'losing'. Because as long as we are together, we both win every time. At least that's how I feel. I just hope you feel the same. Are you ready to forgive? To forget? To allow me the chance to do the same by sincerely apologizing for your wrong doings, as well? To discuss the matter at hand without using any resentment or pride as a base for what we should do? But instead to come to a decision together based on what is reasonable, logical, and smart in regards to the well being and financial security of our family? A decision that we both can agree on instead of putting up these stubborn walls? Are you ready to really listen and take what I have to say into consideration instead of being deafened by your anger? Are you ready to give us a chance to be us again? Because I am. The decision is yours now. What's it going to be?