Of Kicking Husbands in the Face for being Ridiculous

So I won't be researching any weight loss supplements yet. Haha. I didn't get a cervical exam at the OBGYN this morning because checking too often can actually cause labor to start. So unless I go into obvious labor on my own they'll check me next week at 38 weeks to see if I have dilated or anything at all. So we're still playing the waiting game this week. I was really hoping they'd check me so I would know whether I was still nowhere or at least dilated a few centimeters to know that things might actually happen in the next week or so. Ugh. Well at least I only have 19 days until my due date so things are going to happen at some point. She can't stay in there forever.

I've been talking to Ryan pretty frequently this week via web cam which has been nice, but I think being over there with all of those guys is starting to get to him. All of the negative crap they stereotype about wives back home is starting to become his reality when he's always been the rare guy who tunes all that crap out and puts me first. So it kind of hurts my feelings that he's basically acting like I'm out spending all his money on frivolities behind his back because I haven't recounted where every cent has gone to him. But there were times where I didn't talk to him for three weeks straight, and I damn sure wasn't going to waste our one twenty minute phone conversation listing all of my purchases and defending them. I'm really upset that he's so up in arms over the money. My point to him is that if he really trusts me, he wouldn't even have to ask about the big things nevermind every little minuscule transaction. I should be able to tell him about the things that are a bigger deal because we communicate not hash out every cent because he demands it. That is not how we work. He has never treated me like that, and it is not going to start now just because he's over there with a bunch of selfish jerks who think it's more important to buy fancy gadgets when they get home than have a family. He is not that guy.

We talked about it some yesterday and ended up dropping it because we were getting nowhere fast. But it's putting me under so much emotional stress thinking about it that it's causing Braxton Hicks contractions, and I can't let it continue for fear it might put Anya in distress. I haven't heard from him today, but hopefully tomorrow I can get across to him how much his accusations and assumptions have hurt me given how he's always trusted and believed me first in the past and is now suddenly believing his platoon mates crap the golden truth so I must be a lying, sneaky, manipulative bitch. It's insulting, and he has never, ever belittled me in such a way so I know it's all their negative crap in his mind building up and becoming his reality. I get that after a while, tuning it out becomes nearly impossible. But he's always managed in the past, and that's how we've stayed so strong. I need him to understand that things cannot continue this way with believing his immature buddies over his wife. Maybe there are Marine wives out there who do crap like they're accusing me of, but I am not one of them. He knows that. But for some reason he's letting all of their negativity fuel doubts that shouldn't be there. And it really bothers and hurts me that he would let it get that far after all of this time of putting effort into making sure we didn't let them get to us. We have to resolve this before the emotional stress of it becomes a physical problem for me or for Anya.

I just hope he actually listens instead of yelling at me again like I better just accept how it's going to be. He basically told me when he comes home he's sitting me down with the ledger to go over every literal cent; like I'm under some kind of investigation for fraud or something and have to squirm under the interrogation spotlight while he scrutinizes every cent I spent on trivial stuff like lunch with my brother or a t-shirt on sale for when I'm no longer pregnant and will need clothes to wear that fit. Freaking ridiculous. He's never done that. He has always trusted my judgement on where our money goes. It's his fellow Marines talking which really pisses me off because I've been nothing but awesome to those guys, and now they are clumping me with all of those women who have been worthless and forcing it down his throat. If and when I find out specifically who has filled his mind with this crap, they will be hearing about it when I see them after homecoming. Because our finances and the way our marriage works is none of their freaking business, and they need to butt out before I deck someone. It pisses me off that badly. And if Ryan doesn't pull his head out of his ass and check his ridiculous notions at the door when he comes home, the decking might be happening to him. I am livid. I am upset. I am hurt. And he will not do this to me again.