If soulmates exist...

This morning I was reading this article about women who'd called off their engagements because they realized they really didn't even like the guy they were marrying. In it was a statistic that said so many divorced women already knew they were making a mistake when they walked down the aisle. On top of that so many of the Marines' girlfriends and wives are being broken up with and divorced by their Marine during recent deployments. How a Marine could decide in the middle of a deployment to do that to someone is beyond me. I figure they're trying to do it before it is done to them as so many Marines are cheated on and left by girls back home during deployments.

But I could never imagine any of those scenarios. During the first few months of this deployment when Ryan would call he would talk about his fears of being left or betrayed - not because he actually thought I would do it, but because it happens so much that it's hard not to think about it happening to you. Instead of feeling insulted I just reassured him. As many times as he needed it. And I'm still here sending him long love letters and care packages filled to the brim with his favorite snacks. And he's stopped needing reassurance. I think it was the fear of the unknown with this being his first deployment. He isn't able to contact me all of the time to know what goes on in my day to day life, and I admit that's a scary thing to think about.

We are both very needy and jealous people. It's why we work. If it were just one of us that felt that way, the other would have run a long time ago. As has happened to both of us in past relationships. As a result we're both a little paranoid and suspicious of even the slightest thing. But we always talk about it and hash out all of the details to reassure one another, something we wished our ex's would have had the decency to do. And we refrain from having friendships of the opposite sex unless they are people we hang out with as a couple. Because anything else is going to bring up insecurities and accusations whether there's reason for them or not. Because that's where both of our minds go. And to us having each other is more important.

To a lot of people we sound like we don't work because of all of our trust and abandonment issues; like we're one big recipe for disaster because we both seem so controlling of one another. But it isn't really like that. You don't have to force either one of us to want to be around the other all the time. More of the opposite. This deployment has been excruciating for us. We can hardly stand to be apart for a day while he's at work or when I had classes. This is like torture. We're so disgustingly mushy we make my own mother want to be physically ill. Haha. And it's never forced. There are no fake smiles or putting up with things to pretend we're happy. When we are together, we are happy. Happier than either of us have ever been. We understand one another, issues that our pasts have caused us and all. And we love each and every thing about each other - even the annoying habits and needy jealousy.

Even with all of this time apart, I love my husband more than I ever have. I look forward to having him back in my arms more than I've ever anticipated anything in my life. He is the reason I get up in the morning and the last thought I have before I fall asleep at night. Everything I do is for him and our relationship. Even those things that I do for myself are to better myself so that in turn our marriage can be better. Does that sound old fashioned? I think it kind of does sometimes, but I don't really feel that way about it. Ryan would never keep me from doing anything I wanted to do; as a matter of fact he would give up everything he's ever wanted to give me my dreams. And I would do the same for him. We're so busy giving each other everything we want and need that we don't really think about ourselves. But we don't need to. Because we'll always take care of each other.

I think the reason a lot of relationships fail is simple: selfishness. Everyone wants what they want when they want it, everyone else be damned. And in a romantic relationship, especially a marriage, things can't work that way. They won't. Not without someone getting trampled on. You have to sacrifice, and if you're with the right person you really won't lose anything because they will do their best to give you whatever it is you dream of in return. Maybe it's a little cheesy to think about it that way. But Ryan and I are cheesy people. Maybe we're a little bit idealistic. But our marriage is blossoming even while he's gone for months fighting a war with next to no contact with me. Because we're always in each other's thoughts. We're both thinking of ways we can better ourselves for each other and things we can do to make our relationship even better. We talk about them in our letters and when he calls. Just little things to make arguments happen less or to end the stupid ones before they go too far and hurt feelings. And it's amazing to be with someone who puts that much thought into it; to not be the only one.

Everyone told us that the honeymoon would be over by now. But I feel like it's only just begun. And to anyone who gives us all those 'just wait' comments: screw you. Maybe you didn't do enough in your own marriage; it's not our fault you're apparently miserable. A good marriage is like anything else worth having - it takes work. You have to constantly re-evaluate yourself and the way things are handled between the two of you. And as you change you simply change the marriage around the two of you. Because, yes, people do and will change. But leaving your partner behind in the process is the mistake I see everyone else making that Ryan and I can't fathom. Because any change we make we want to make for each other. Maybe we are just young, idealistic, and disgustingly mushy. But we work. And we love each other more and more with each passing day.

I feel so very blessed and lucky to have ended up with a man who will always put me first as I will always think of him before myself. Things had to happen just so in those few months after Aaron abandoned me for his own selfish reasons - that he later regretted ironically enough - for Ryan and I to reconnect and remember why it was he trembled during our first dance back in high school when he wanted so badly to be with me. I was foolish to let him go then. I won't ever make that mistake again. We were made for each other, and maybe that's cheesy, too, but we feel like everything in our lives has been leading us to one another. And we finally figured it out. If soulmates exist, he is mine, and no one else could ever be what he is to me. He is everything. I love you, Babe. Come home safe so I can love you forever. <3

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