Hormones?

I feel really, really lonely. Maybe it's my imagination, but it seems anytime I try to talk to any of my friends or family about anything they're just tuning me out. Whatever it is they're doing is more important than my concerns or just general need for companionship. Excuse me for being a human being. It just makes me miss Ryan a hundred times more. I just feel like nothing I say is worth anyone even pretending to listen. They make obvious gestures of annoyance that I'm speaking to them and continue with what they're doing not really listening to a word I'm saying. And I have a lot going on that warrants talking about. I have decisions to make and fears of what the near future holds and stress about everything I need to accomplish and how to accomplish it all.

But I guess your TV show or whatever it is you're doing is more important to you than any concern you have for me - which is obviously none. And yet you expect me to drop everything when you want something or have something to say. I hate hypocrisy. And I hate that I'm forced to feel alone even in a house full of people. I think I'd feel less alone if I actually were literally alone than when I'm being purposely ignored during a time when I need other people the most. But my needs and fears apparently aren't worth the time of day. And now people are going to get mad about it if/when they read this. Maybe you should have cared back when I needed you to instead of blowing me off. Because at this point I really don't care about stepping on toes on my personal blog. It's my journal - that's what it's for. I feel like I've had to say that a lot in recent years now that my offline family and friends have access to my entries. But I refuse to hide behind a password because I really shouldn't have to. There's a disclaimer on the left for a reason.

I'm so angry about it all that I really just feel like crying. I really need a call from Ryan. It's been two weeks since I last heard from him. I could talk to him about dust mites, and he'd be riveted - or at least feign an interest to make me feel better. And it really aggravates me that no one else seems to care enough about me to give me that small courtesy. He's the only person out there. And that's messed up. Am I just that unlikeable in general? Or what? Because seriously I don't understand it.

I always thought of myself as a good listener and friend to my friends as well as my family members. But I guess, as always seems to happen with me, it's all been one-sided, and I've been pouring my energy into something that wasn't there. I get really tired of being the safety net everyone goes to when they've been abandoned by everyone else. And then the second that something better comes along I'm the one being abandoned. I guess I'm just not as awesome as those superficial people they consider better. And then they'll come crawling back to me when those people abandon them again. And I always let it happen. Maybe because I'm so glad to have someone for even a moment that I choose to ignore the pattern. But I'm tired of it.

If you don't want to invest time or energy into at least acting like you give a damn, just tell me already so I can stop wasting mine. Because I'm done with people being fake all of the time and blowing me off instead of just being up front about it. I would rather be alone than deal with all of the superficial drama that I get from my "friends" and family. Seriously. I'm so done with it all. I just want my husband back. I feel like he's the only person in the world I'm not a waste of oxygen to. The one who makes it known that my feelings and desires are more important to him than his own. And when I reciprocate that respect it becomes a two way street - as every relationship should be not just romantic ones. But it seems everything else in my life is a dead end. And somewhere along the way I missed the sign and kept driving only to end up an emotional wreck. A lonely emotional wreck with the one person who'd care enough to pick up the pieces on the other side of the world without the ability to even call and reassure me. And it sucks.

I'm ready for this whole ordeal to be over. I just want to get out of here and be where he is so that I can feel like I matter again. I'm done feeling like a piece of furniture or a walking uterus who's just there to be shown off. I'm not a person anymore. I'm a bragging right that gets forgotten when there's no longer an audience. And I'm done. So when I don't ask your opinion or turn my attention to things I think are more important when you want me to be your sounding board...you know why. Don't bother getting mad about it. Because apparently feelings aren't allowed anymore. Maybe that TV show can keep you company.

...

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone need to look into cross country moving companies?