I've Said My Goodbyes

Everything feels sort of surreal right now. I know that Ryan is gone. I remember how cold the wind was on my face as I waited several hours for him to retrieve his issued weapon and make his way back to my arms. I remember those last embraces and the tears I tried so hard to hold back, only a few defeating my resolve. I remember watching him through the bus windows as we mouthed silent I love yous and blew kisses at one another. I remember seeing him dab his eyes once or twice in an attempt to keep his fellow Marines from seeing how hard it was to look at me and know it was the last memory he would have for a long time. I remember waving as the buses pulled out onto the street and disappeared into the early morning darkness.

And yet I sit here in my hotel room the morning after the hardest goodbye of my life expecting him to pull into the parking lot and walk through the door after work as he has so many times in the past week. I keep looking forward to conversation interrupted by sweet nothings over dinner and holding hands in the movies like teenagers who have only just discovered the rush of a heartbeat at the slightest brush of fingertips. I keep imagining the warmth of being held close to his chest as we lay talking of nothing for hours when night falls, my face nuzzled into his shirt and the smell of his cologne affirming how safe and perfectly loved I feel in that moment as we drift off to sleep eager to wake up to each other as if it's the first time.

And then I remember that the best thing that ever happened to me is on the other side of the world fighting so that we can have another day like the one I sit here wishing for; so that we can have a few more of those moments. And though I am so proud of what he is doing for his country and this family, I can't help but cry because a year is such a long time to be missing out on the memories we could be making together - constantly hoping we get the chance to make new ones in the future.