My Issues

After having another one of my episodes, though a smaller one than usual, this weekend over something trivial, I've spent a good part of today reading up on bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, and boderline personality disorder, both of which seem to fit me. I'd never considered borderline before seeing the film Girl, Interrupted in which the main character said and did things that I actually understood and agreed with whereas normal people see the problems. Apparently it's widely thought that the two disorders tend to overlap, and that borderline should be a sub-category of bipolar as just one of the types rather than it's own illness.

"Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation."

Is it scary that the above paragraph is me? Not a single symptom in the above description is missing from my daily life. And apparently this illness shows itself in adolescence/young adulthood. A lot of parents dismiss the behavior as typical teenage rebellion and moodiness. Guess that explains why it took a long time for anyone to start considering I had anything wrong with me. Sometimes I still don't think they really understand or realize the things that go on in my head and the ways I do or don't deal with them. Ryan knows the most about what goes on, but even he feels helpless most of the time in regard to my episodes of depression. But there are also the episodes of mania in between the depression. I don't seem to fit that profile as well, but the following did hit home:

"While the disorder affects people differently, individuals with bipolar disorder during the manic phase tend to be much more outgoing and daring than individuals without bipolar disorder. The disorder is also found in a large number of people involved in the arts. It is an ongoing question as to whether many creative geniuses had bipolar disorder. Some studies have found a significant correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder. A series of authors have described mania or hypomania as related to higher accomplishment, elevated achievement motivation and ambitious goal setting. One study indicated that greater-than-average striving for goals, and sometimes obtaining them, corresponded with mania."

Guess that explains still being a straight 'A' student and always striving to achieve recognition and goals I've set for myself. As well as all of my artistic tendencies. Though usually the depressive episodes are so much more frequent that they cut me off before I can accomplish anything I set out to during the mania. If this is the disorder I have. I believe I do. I realize I can't really say I have anything until I've been diagnosed by a physician or psychiatrist, but the following on borderline makes that a scary thought:

"The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation. These disturbances can have a pervasive negative impact on many or all of the psychosocial facets of life. This includes difficulties maintaining relationships in work, home, and social settings. Attempted suicide and completed suicide are possible outcomes, especially without proper care and effective therapy. Onset of symptoms typically occurs during adolescence or young adulthood. It has been found to account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend towards insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships. They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity. Suicidal or self-harming behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria, and management of and recovery from this can be complex and challenging. The suicide rate is approximately eight to ten percent. Self-injury attempts are highly common among patients and may or may not be carried out with suicidal intent. BPD is often characterized by multiple low lethality suicide attempts triggered by seemingly minor incidents."

And this on bipolar disorder:

"In serious cases in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others involuntary commitment may be used; these cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behaviour or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation."

Wow...I just don't know where to go from here? But I can't keep doing what I'm doing. Because just dealing with it and ignoring it aren't helping it go away. It interferes with my daily life. I'm miserable even when I'm happy, and I know it makes Ryan feel awful when nothing he says or does can keep me from having suicidal thoughts or feelings of self-hatred. And it needs to stop. I guess this is me asking for help?