More In Depth Reflection

I felt this deserved a seperate post from the list. : )

Ambitions: Back in '04 my crazy dreams of Japan started. And they were my everything for so long. But no one seems to realize that the reason I poured heart and soul into Japan was because I had nothing and no one else. I was lonely and miserable and needed something, anything to care about and work toward. And Japan got the job when I got into live action Sailor Moon. I'm thankful for that because Japan is still the other love of my life. I love the music and the culture, and I still hope to be able to live there for some length of time at some point in my life. But it isn't my entire life anymore. I'm an artist, and I want to pursue design and music. And if I get to Japan at some point in the process, I will be thrilled.

Now I want to finish a degree in Graphic and/or Web Design so that I can work from home because children are my new dream. A family with my wonderful husband, whom I'll talk about more in the relationship section of this reflection, is more than I could ever want at this point in my life. I also hope to continue preforming in theatrical productions. At this time, I'm content to work with community theater. I want to learn to play the guitar and work on my music if for no other reason than a stress reliever for myself. Singing is my new vice. Everything else just goes away, and having the music to go with it would be nice. ^_^;; So that's where I stand right now.

Friendships: Crazy how things come full circle. I started with Kesha, we had a falling out, and here I am four years later and my best friend is none other than the girl who I've had slumber parties with since kindergarten. I made good friends in the interim who I love and wish I could see more often (I'm talking about you two, Ashe and Meg!), but I'm glad to be where I am otherwise. I have some amazing friends back home in G-Vegas who I may not always be close to, but they were always there to hang out and be crazy when I needed I girls' night out. Looking forward to seeing some of them over Christmas.

Relationships: Oh my goodness. I cannot believe how pathetic I was! I pined after John for over two years! I guess that happens with your first boyfriend. I was the same way with my first big crush before John. I liked that boy for like eight years or something crazy. Haha. I tend to be pathetic a lot. I think the only reason I really moved on was because I started dating Aaron over the Summer of 2005. But we all know where that went. Nowhere but heartache and depression. That boy messed me up for a while. I pined for a lot less, as in years, with Aaron, though. Maybe I had more closure. John just didn't want to date my anymore; no good reason, just because. I knew what Aaron wanted. To have fun and be unattached and be able to flirt or whatever to his heart's extent. It sucked, but at least I knew. Guess that's why I knew he'd never change and waiting around was just letting myself be used and pathetic, as always.

So I made my decision, stopped answering the phone...and went out with Ryan on a date. ^_^ Ryan had also recently been dumped. We reconnected. And now I wish I'd never turned him down back in 2004. We could have been together this whole time and so much happier than all the crap I went through pining over John for another year and getting broken by Aaron another year later. But things happened the way they did, and regardless of how it happened, we're here now. Married, happy, and crazy about each other. He is amazing to me. No other relationship has been like this. We would give anything for each other. We've been together over two years and we're still silly and disgustingly mushy 24/7. Neither of my previous relationships even lasted this long nevermind keeping their luster.

I've been given up on a lot. And Ryan never gives up on me. Even when I'm impossible, even when I'm a mess, he's there picking me up off the floor and telling me that even disheveled I'm the most beautiful, amazing woman on Earth and the only one for him. He's what I've been needing this whole time when no one else believed me or wanted to stick around for the aftermath when I broke down. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy and help me get better. He wants me, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives. And when I'm with him, for the first time in a long time, I feel worth that kind of effort. I feel worthy of the love he gives me, and I feel like trying to move on from the darkenss that has been half of me for so long is finally worth it because I have so much to live for and look forward to.

I'm so glad he is my husband; he is my family, a family we hope to add to next year. And I've never wanted or treasured anything as much as I do a family with the man who makes me feel like life is worth living. The man who has done what none before had the courage, strength, or motivation to do: stay by me. No matter what. Because I'm worth it; he believes I'm worth it. I've only ever felt more worthless because of what those in my past have done to me - after all the abandonment and the hurt that I thought would last forever. He is my everything, and I am his. And I'm not afraid of being abandoned or hurt anymore. I finally trust. I finally believe. And I finally want to go on living and trying. Because of him. Thank you, Babe, you have no idea how much you've saved me. I plan on spending the rest of my life letting you know. I love you.