Yay for Having Unresolved Issues [/Sarcasm]

I'm feeling better now. That's part of it. It's how I work. Either really high or really low - I have no middle ground when it comes to my emotional state. I ended up heading to base this evening after sending Ryan a not very nice text message earlier about the situation outlined in my previous blog. But between the text and getting on the bus I had decided this was one of those things I needed to let go. My ex's are on my friends list; out of mere curosity about how their lives are going from time to time. He should be allowed the same. We attempt to have no double standards in our relationship. Either we can or we can't. Only we; no I or you. We. And we like things that way.

So the night was nice. We ate together and rented some movies to watch on the laptop while lounging around in Domino's talking to one of his friends. We laughed and cuddled. We felt loved by each other. And I think we both needed some of that after all of the fighting that's been going on lately. And most of the time, the fights have no grounding. I just get angry over stupid junk a lot, and sometimes he just gets so frustrated with it that he attempts to defend himself and call me on it. But by the time I realize it was something stupid, we're so deep into a fight about it that I don't want to admit my wrong doing. And we both end up miserable. He tries to be understanding of the daily struggle I have with keeping my negative emotions in check and not taking them out on the nearest person - usually him. But he can't always allow my tendencies to walk all over him either. So neither of us is really in the right or the wrong most of the time. It's just my struggle with myself and my emotions, and his struggle with trying to make me feel better about things without letting me be ridiculously unfair to him in the process.

I wish I could say being happy will last. But I know I'll be upset again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe even several weeks. But I'll hit another snag. And sometimes, as in this case, it takes a few hours for me to feel better. Others it can take days or weeks. As a whole, I'm not really better. I'm still in the same rut that started with Ryan leaving for MCT. But within that chunk of this mess, I still have my moments of clarity and happiness. I take them where I can get them. Because I never know when they'll be snuffed out by the darkness again. I wish I could get over this thing for good. At least for a while. I had been fine for the entire time we've been together except a few bad days here and there until now. The last time I was this difficult was when Aaron broke up with me. That was my last really bad, long lasting spell like this. I had hoped it would be my last. But for some reason, even in the happiest of times, my mind finds a way to convince me I'm miserable. And the past couple of months is one of those times.

Hopefully being with Ryan so much will help me get out of this again. At least long enough to keep me from losing my mind. I can only fight back so much at a time before I break. And I'm so tired of breaking like this, and getting up only to fall again - even when I'm supposed to be standing the tallest. And every time I fall back to one of these ruts, I find it harder to crawl back out of it and get to my feet. At least I have my wonderful husband beside me to hold my hand and let me know I'm not alone or disbelieved. That someone is at least trying to understand what's going on in my head and trying to help me sort it all out and wake up from the nightmare of it with support and love. My previous episodes were always filled with such lonliness and a necessity to hide my problems from everyone for fear of being called a liar or pitied. At least this time, I have him. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to hide anything from him, and I couldn't if I wanted to. He knows me better than I do. Even when I'm not being myself. He knows the difference, and he tries so hard to be my reason for staying out of the shadows. And if I didn't have him, I don't know if I would have the same strength to keep trying that I do. I'm exhausted from all of my past battles with this, and I'm so relieved to finally have some comfort and someone to give me hope that tomorrow might really be better. That I might really get better, and that there's something worth getting better for.