I Don't Even Trust Myself

I'm feeling down. As in, the lovely depths of depression that used to claim me on a daily basis are creeping back into my life. I'm not sure why. Just because. Because I don't think I'll ever fully escape it. Because it's a part of me, and, from time to time, it wants to be heard more than I have the energy to keep it quiet. I've been having trouble for a couple of months now; since before I moved out here to California to be nearer to Ryan. I think it started after he left again for MCT while I was still stuck in Greeneville for a month with next to no contact and no idea of when I would see him again. It was rough on me. I went stir crazy staring at the same four walls all day with nothing super productive to do and only a couple of friends who, obviously, couldn't donate all of their time to me. They had their own lives to juggle.

I had hoped that coming out here to be with Ryan and having some of my independence back would help, but I don't seem to be getting any better. Just worse. I'm unmotivated to do anything at all lately. Just sleep and sit in the same place on the couch watching random Lifetime movies, attempting to play Sims 2, and only leaving to see Ryan on base. And 90% of the time while I'm there, we fight about something. Because I can't ever let anything go, and everything bothers me when I'm on edge like this. That's not his fault, but sometimes he reacts too harshly even though he knows when I'm this bad, it's not really me talking. And that hurts me.

I have trust issues. I never trust anyone completely, but I've trusted him as the one person I can spill everything out to even when whatever's going on in my head makes me sound like I should be committed. But it's gotten to the point where he's tired of it, I think. He's tired of me not really trusting him 100% because of the stuff that's happened to me in the past. And he's tired of seeing me so down on myself and unable to help me no matter what he says. And last night during one such argument over something stupid, the subject turned to my depression and my issues with trust. During a heated moment, he said some things reminiscent of people in the past who thought I only use these issues as a means for attention...and my heart broke a little. He is supposed to be the one person who believes me and listens to me without pointing fingers or calling me a liar. And last night, he ripped all that to shreds with two sentences. Two sentences that told the warped logic that I use when I'm like this that he never really believed me and always thought I was doing it as a ploy for attention. And so then my trust issues were brought into play. He got angry because I said I couldn't trust someone who would throw my darkest feelings back at me after being the person I confided them in. I got angry because I felt like what trust I had given to him had been betrayed.

We didn't have hours to fight it all out last night, so we hugged and said goodnight once we got to a calmer place, and then I came home. But I'm good at pretending I'm okay when inside I don't even want to exist anymore. I got really good at it in high school when I didn't want people to know I was sad or despairing in everything that was supposed to be good in my life. I'm so good at pretending, and, yet, there are people who think I'm just "depressed" for attention. If I were doing it to get attention, I wouldn't be so good at pretending it wasn't happening. I would put it out there and vie for everyone's pity. I don't want pity. I don't want anyone to look down on me and think I'm full of it. Right now I just want to vent because the person who was my sole confidant twisted the knife when I checked my Facebook news this morning - after a huge fight about trust - and saw he added his ex-girlfriend to his friends list today. And yet I haven't even heard from him. WTFever.