The Emo-ness of Me

The guy ended up coming to fix the heater at 9:30AM while I was attempting to fall asleep. So that sucked. Heh. But the heater's fixed. Although right now it's so hot again during the day I'd rather have the swamp cooler back for a few more weeks. At night the temperature inside is perfect so I don't need the heater.

Otherwise today was a mopey, mini-slump day, and I accomplished absolutely nothing. I was feeling so down that I ended up going to see Ryan, and we rented a few movies to watch on the laptop together before I headed back home about an hour ago. It was nice to see him. I needed it today. Now I have to pull myself together to get through the rest of the week without being a lazy mess. Laundry needs to be done, hopefully tomorrow, and the apartment needs a good sweeping, mopping, dusting, and scrub down. I'll feel better surrounded by cleanliness and order.

Organization and cleaning are my coping mechanisms. This I know, and I think there could be worse things I could use to cope when I'm feeling down. At least things are clean! When some people fall apart everything goes to crap. My surroundings are always in order. So chances are if I'm scrubbing down my kitchen or bathroom with Comet when it's already sparkling, there's something more than just a weekly cleaning going on. And this is me spilling out my guts in my journal. Because I need a journal right now.

Ryan and I had a doozy of an issue to deal with last night and today before I ever saw him. My trust issues were brought into play again, but this time for good reasons. I caught him lying to me. It was all trivial stuff, but the point is he lied. I don't tolerate dishonesty or being accused of it. Number one things to do to piss me off or lose my trust. And omission is betrayal, to quote Little Black Book. Keeping something from me on purpose is as good as lying.

We didn't argue about it. He had no defense for himself. He apologized and promised to be better, but I moved on from giving one million chances to those who take them for granted before he and I ever got together. I was hurt, and I informed him that this will not keep happening. We don't do this. We are best friends. We tell each other everything. We are not going to start keeping things from each other because in the end that would destroy us. Being brutally honest with each other is one of the biggest pieces of why we work without getting into a fight every five minutes. And if he starts keeping trivial stuff from me now, it can and will escalate to things that will destroy us both separately and together. I've seen it happen. I will not be that. We will not be that.

And I need my journal because right now I need to rebuild some trust in my husband that I lost last night. And I need my journal because I need to try really hard not to rebuild the walls I used to use keep him and everyone else out. I'm tired of really believing I can only fully trust myself, or that I will never be truly happy because life loves to treat me and my wants as one big joke. I need my journal because I need to feel like I deserve how wonderful my marriage has been and will continue to be when this issue is worked out. And I want to be able to look back over these entries in a few months and smile out how far we've come. I'm tired of not being able to document the downs as well as the ups because of what people might think or say about us or about me.

I didn't create this blog as I way to keep in touch with my family or friends. That is what it's become, and that's fine. But understand that I created this blog as an outlet when I had nothing else. When I was weak and lonely this journal and some of the friends who supported me in comments were what allowed me to get up each morning, slap a pretend smile on my face, and try to work toward something real. And I got there. And suddenly my blog wasn't a place I was allowed to discuss problems in my relationship or with friends or with family because this person or that person might see it. And as a result I've kept too many negative things bottled up inside with Ryan as my sole confidant. And I will continue to tell him a lot of things I do not yet feel comfortable posting here.

I know I have a lot of emotional baggage. I know that I have some soul searching to do when it comes to the way I perceive things in my mind and the people and events of my past that helped cause me to be this way. Those people don't even realize the full impact of the things they've said or done to me. And maybe I am a little warped and misinterpreted things, but I have some serious problems with self-image. And everything negative anyone ever has to say I immediately turn onto myself. I always blame myself. I always punish myself with enough unkind words and hours of curling up in a dark corner wishing I could stop existing to make the pain stop.

I know it sounds emo and ridiculous. I know it sounds cliche' and like a ploy for attention. But I've had some rough times mentally and emotionally. Rough enough that Ryan and I have discussed professional help when we get settled. But I also don't want anyone pushing pills on me. I need to work through these issues, and I feel that writing is a valuable outlet for that. So I'm writing. I need to take my journal back to help me through the downs and celebrate the ups. If you don't like anything I have to say, don't read it. This is my journal. And I need it.