I'm Sorry

I wish I could still be your friend, Aaron. But I know myself well enough to know it's not possible. I'll always be clinging to each and every thing you say and do hoping it means that you care about me as more than a friend. I can't be around you. Because you are my weakness. And I always give in. Always.

No one is ever going to make me feel the way you do. But I'm going to have to learn to settle for second best. Because the best thing that ever happened to me doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I've learned the hard way that I'm not meant to have anything really special. It's always taken away. I thought you were going to be the one exception. But you aren't.

I hope that if one day you decide I am the one you want, that I'm still single and willing to try again. To start over with you. But for now, I have to pretend you never happened. Because the only way I can live without you is to pretend you don't exist. That we never happened. Because otherwise nothing will compare to what we had. My life will be meaningless in comparison. And I can't live like that anymore.

I wish I didn't have to do this. I feel like I'm giving up on the chance I still have with you. But I hope that if you decide you want me one day, you won't be afraid to call me and tell me. Because I'd hate to know that you didn't try because of this. So try. If that day comes, please try. That is the last thing I ask of you.

I'm so sorry. I really am. I love you so much. I just want you to know that. Have a nice life, Aaron. Because my heart can't take being a part of it anymore. I'm sorry. I love you. I love you so much. Forgive me.

I wrote everything above this before you called me back just now. I don't know if I want to stop being around you yet or not now. Now that you've told me I should keep trying. So I guess for now I'll just stick with letting you call me when you want to. And I'll just pretend I don't have you as an option to call or message anymore.

Maybe it's a good test for you, too. Maybe you'll realize you miss me or miss talking to me. That's always a good sign. And I'll try what you said. About going out with someone else. When I feel the time is right. I'm not going to say anything to you until you call me afterward. If you do.

I hope to hear from you later. Because that means you're thinking about me. I love you. Have a good time on your trip.

(Sent to Aaron on Facebook.)