We built it up to watch it fall like we meant nothing at all.

This past week I've done a lot of self-reflection. I love Aaron. More than anything. But it doesn't do me one damn bit of good to tell him or pine after him or remain here for him in a romantic way. Because until he has grown up we can't be together. He's made that clear. And those choices he needs to make could take weeks, months, years, or may not even happen at all. And I've been letting it run my life since we broke up. I've done nothing but cry and mope and do whatever I can to make the time between his phone calls go by quicker. And that's pathetic. He doesn't care that I'm moping. Doesn't mean a damn thing to him. He sure as Hell isn't pining after me. So why continue to do this to myself? It's dumb.

So I'm letting go. I'm single, and I should act like it. I'm not just here when it's convenient for him anymore. I'm his friend. The end. I may be in love with him, but he's the one who makes the call on whether or not we can be in a relationship. And I'm tired of sitting here waiting for that decision. I'm wasting my life over it. I want to be around him, though. And I'm here for emotional support should he ever need it. He says the same about me though recent events have made me think he's full of shit. But whatever. It will be hard as Hell to not cuddle up to him or want to take care of him. But I can't keep treating him that way. Why should he come back if he gets the same treatment from me when we're apart? If he can be single and still have that attention, what's the point? So I have to stop acting like his girlfriend. Because I'm not. And if he wants to be treated like my boyfriend, he will have to be my boyfriend. End of story.

I boxed up all of the stuff he's given me today. Everything except a paper flower that's in a glass case because I don't want it to get destroyed and a Hello Kitty heartshaped pillow he made for me that's on my bed. And anything like jewelry, music, video games, etc. that I would have bought anyway. But everything that was his is in a box. All the pictures. All the stuffed animals. I just can't look at it anymore. It's too hard. I just decided that I'm wasting my time waiting. And it's pointless for me to fight for him when he isn't ready for a serious relationship with me. Because that's what I want. I don't want this casual thing we've been doing with no strings attached. I'm too emotional for that. I want to be his friend. I want to hope that one day when he has grown up I'll be the one he chooses. But until that day I need to stop focusing on it all of the time. I need to do my thing. I need to be me again. Because I haven't been. Maybe I'll even go out with some guys on dates or something. I need to realize that I'm able to look at other guys now. I'm able to flirt and go out with them if I want. So I'm going to. Maybe it will help me not to focus on Aaron so much. I don't want a serious relationship with anyone else right now, though. I'm not ready for that yet. I don't want the heartbreak of someone deciding a future in Japan isn't for them again. But that doesn't mean I can't date.

I miss Aaron. And I love him very much. But sometimes loving someone isn't enough. And as much as that sucks, I can't keep sitting around expecting things to change. Because right now they aren't going to. All I can do is get my life back. Get myself back. And stop letting him run my life like I have been. It's nothing he's doing. It's everything he's not doing. This is a decision I should have made weeks ago. But I'm making it now. Aaron and I are friends. And I'm single. Time for me to let those two statements sink in and actually act like it. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like Hell or that I'm not in love with him. It just means that I can't keep dwelling on it because it's consuming me. And I refuse to let that happen to me again.