I gave and gave the best of me, but I couldn't give you what you need.

I'm such a bundle of meh right now. There's no other way to describe it. I'm feeling down. But I'm trying really hard to just live normally. Like I did before Aaron. It's weird, though. It's like I'm pretending he never happened when I do that. But at the same time thoughts of him are right there in the back of my mind just waiting for the opportunity to resurface. It's easier to pretend he isn't an option since he's not really calling or anything anymore like he was when he first moved to ETSU. I knew it would happen. But I just didn't expect the contact to end overnight like it did. I kind of expected it to happen slowly. But no. One day he's calling me four times, and the next three days I don't hear from him. Heh.

I don't know. I guess he'll always be 'an option' for me if you want to look at it that way. I'll always love him. And if he ever decides I'm what he wants then I'll most likely take him back. But I can't speak for my future self so I can't say with 100% certainty what I would do if that happened. It depends on how much time has passed between now and then more than anything I guess. Right now I'm just trying to block him out as a romantic interest so I can't get hurt so much anymore. I'm tired of waiting for phone calls and crying myself to sleep when they don't come. So a few days ago I made the decision not to wait around for him anymore. If he came back so be it. Whether or not we'd get back together when he did would depend on where I was with my life: if I had stopped wanting a relationship with him (which is highly doubtful), or if I was in a relationship with someone else (which is even more doubtful), or whatever. But that was my decision. I can't sit here pining anymore. It was tearing me apart inside. I still miss him. And I still think about him a lot. But making that decision has made it better for me.

With that decision came the decision that I would give other guys a shot if I was genuinely interested. Not with a full fledged relationship but to date and see where it goes from there. All of this is where that jumbled entry before this one came from. I hadn't thought it out so much yet when I wrote that one, so this is a better representative of what I'm feeling and thinking right now. The other guy? He's the only guy who's shown an interest in me in the past year besides Aaron that I could genuinely have something with. More correctly said, he's the only guy I actually had the want to flirt back with. You know what I'm saying? But, yeah. So aside from Aaron he's probably the only guy that could give me that giddy school girl feeling given some time and flirtation. Haha. That's why I talked about him. So now maybe you all understand a bit more. I'm not going to say anything else about him unless he gives me a reason.

Anywho, that's where I stand. I still have my moments where I just stare of into space completely void of all emotions except sadness and loneliness over my loss of Aaron. But they're becoming fewer. It's not a constant thing. Only because I won't allow it to be. It's not doing me any good to mope over him. Heh. I do miss him, though. Very much. Damn. I hate this shit. I'll be glad when time has gone by and this stage is over for me. Whether that means Aaron and I are back together, I'm with someone else, or I'm actually happy to be single doesn't matter at this point. I just want to be happy again. Whichever path it takes to get there. I'm tired of being depressed because of a boy. A boy I spent a year of my life doting on who now doesn't give me the time of day after all I sacrificed for him. But whatever. I know not to make the same mistake again, ne? I would say that my serious relationships are over until Japan, but I said that before and I ended up with Aaron. Haha. So I can't really say that because I don't know what's in store for me in the coming months or years. I just have to wait and see. It's the waiting part that's killing me. I just want to be happy again. At least content. No more sadness. Who knows how much longer it will take for that to go away. Hopefully not long. It drags me down a lot. : / Ah well. I need to head to bed. Lack of sleep may be part of my problem. How do I have problems with my love life when I don't even have a love life? Ay. Only me, ne? ^_^ Goodnight, everyone. I'm off to dream about the hot Japanese men in my future.