Hot Date

Well, last night I went out with Aaron on what was supposed to be a date. (No, we are not back together. We're friends, but we casually date each other as well as other people. At least that's how I understood it according to him right after we broke up.) My friend Sarah M and his friend Travis went with us. It was so much fun. We have to do it again soon. We ate at Ruby Tuesday (Yum, yum.) and then went bowling afterward. Sarah and I beat the boys at all three games. XD Haha. It was great. But being with Aaron like that almost made me feel like we were together again so I was a little down at the end of the night when I had to say goodbye and think about the fact that he could be seeing someone else later. Even though he says he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment, I don't want to set myself up for that hurt anymore than I already am just by still being in love with him so I try not to get too hopeful about being the only girl he's seeing right now. But it's hard not to. So, yeah, I am a little depressed and a lot disappointed that when the night was over we were still just friends. But I can't do anything about it. Just have to keep living my life and let him live his; unless he wants to get back together.

Otherwise I'm trying to open myself up to dating other people so that I'm not sitting around thinking about Aaron all the time. But it's not working most of the time. I still think about him no matter who else I'm talking to. I was supposed to go out with Braden tomorrow night to the movies. But I canceled. Mostly because I'm not going alone since I've never met him in person. (Met him on MySpace, and I've been talking to him on the phone.) Sarah has to work so I'll have to postpone that until she can go with me. But that's not the only reason. This will be the first time I've actually gone out with anyone else. And even though the logical side of me says I should so that I'm not throwing myself into waiting for Aaron anymore, my heart doesn't want to betray him by doing that. Even though we aren't together I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe because in my heart I know that no one else will ever compare to him. Maybe because I'm always hoping the next phone call could be Aaron wanting to get back together. Maybe because I want to believe the love Aaron and I had/have cannot be erased so easily. I don't know. I miss him. I want him back more than anyone can understand. And I love him more than anything even after everything we've been through. I just wish he'd reciprocate and ask me to be his girlfriend again. But until then I have to push myself not to wait around for it to happen; if it happens at all. So I will go out with Braden sometime. But not tomorrow. I just can't do that yet. God, Aaron, if you only knew how much I love you.