The List

So I'm finding myself looking at Aaron's MySpace and getting depressed. I'm not mentioned anywhere. One of his interests is 'Girls'. He has so many female friends that comment with no idea he has a girlfriend, or they just don't care. He makes no move to correct them. I comment with 'I love you' all of the time. I have never gotten one back. Maybe once if I go back and look for it. I know it's a stupid thing to get upset over. It's just a MySpace. But it's the little things that count. And he's all over mine. I look at some of my other friends' MySpaces, and both the girl and the guy in relationships have stuff about each other all over their MySpaces. They comment to each other all of the time. I don't get any of that. And for some reason that really gets me down. Especially since I know he talks to girls in real life when I'm not around without one mention of being taken. So they assume he's fair game. And that's when I get hurt. And he won't listen when I tell him I just need reassurance sometimes. And making sure girls he meets DON'T know he has a girlfriend, is just the opposite of reassurance. It all makes me feel worthless. Unwanted. Like he's ashamed to be dating me. Like he's keeping his options open by not telling girls he's taken. If he really loves me, he wouldn't want options. Heh. But maybe I'm just too much of a romantic. Maybe I'm just meant to be screwed over every time I think I've found happiness. That's the way it's been so far. Every time I find someone who makes me happy, whether it's a friend or a boy, things get screwed up in the end. And I lose them. Always.

So I started this entry with the intention of making a list of the little things he does do. Then I realized the only time he does a lot of it is if I say something or he is with me. When I'm not with him, I get nothing. No extra effort. No mention of my name to his friends. People that know me know how much I talk about Aaron. Not just because he's my boyfriend, but because he is a major part of my life. And we all talk about our families on a daily basis. He is my family. It's horrible how dependant I've become. Well, not really dependant. I can survive on my own. It's more like every time I think of something fun to do - go to the movies or the beach or something like that - I think of going with Aaron. No one else. And not alone. Always with him. Of how much more fun it would be with him there. But it doesn't seem to work the other way around. I never hear anyone say, "He always talks about you. He's so smitten." Everyone used to say that. All of he's friends. His coworkers. They envied me. Because I had a boyfriend who put me at the top of his priorities. Now I feel like I'm at the bottom. He'll get to me when everything else is done. When he's done partying with his friends. When he's done having fun or playing video games. When it's convenient for him. Then I'm his girlfriend. Then I get attention.

He didn't call me once yesterday. Or on Saturday. Saturday was our anniversary. 11 months. I understand that he was at his aunt's house on Saturday. She's sick. But he also played on the computer there. Not once did he think enough about me to at least send an e-mail saying he was there, and that's why he couldn't call. But no. Instead I got nothing. So now it seems, not only do I only get to see him once a week, but he's going to call me less. Wonderful. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of the broken promises. The talking to other girls with no mention of me. The lack of 'little things' he used to do. I know he's still capable. He just doesn't do any of it. I guess I can understand. He did everything for me, and I hurt him by accusing him of practically cheating on me at a time when I was the only girl on his mind. So now he just doesn't try. He's put up a wall. And no matter what I do, I can't seem to get back through. It doesn't matter how many times I apologize or assure him I know he would never do such a thing. Instead, he starts keeping his options open. He starts pushing me away. Damn it. Why can't I just let things stay good for once in my life? Why do I always screw it up? >_<;; I can't take much more.

I can't take much more of the other girls and the being left for last. I can't. It's tearing me apart. I spilled everything to him the other night on the phone. How depressed I feel. Why I feel that way. How I see things, and how his actions only make it worse sometimes. But I also told him how much he means to me. The little things that send chills down my spine or make me grin like an idiot. He had nothing to say in response. He only promised that everything will be alright. Heh. Maybe it would be if he would just bear with me in getting over this paranoia I have as of late. If he would stop keeping me from the girls he talks to. If he would do something sweet when I least expect it. But none of that is going to happen.

I really need him right now. But instead I don't even get to talk to him on the phone for over two days. I see how high my feelings are on his list of priorities. I see how much he thinks about what I'm going through right now. What's going on in my head. And it makes me want to cry. Again. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate the way things have become because of me. I guess I'm asking too much for him to try and help me. I guess that's not convenient enough for him.

EDIT: And then I read over entries like this, and I feel so low. For making him sound like the world's worst boyfriend. Because he does do a lot for me. I expect too much of him sometimes. I hate myself for saying all of it now. Guess you can all see my conflict now. I'm so bipolar. I get mad about stuff, and then I feel guilty for being angry about it. But I still let all of the little bad stuff build up into this huge personal attack on me. But he doesn't mean to do any of it. When I get upset, the poor boy can't do anything right. No wonder I have to fight for affection. I sure wouldn't love my arse if I was him. But that's what makes him so great. He loves me even with all of the crap I put him through. I just wish I knew how to get over this so that I could treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Then maybe he'd actually want to romance me again. Maybe he'd want people to know he is dating me again. He used to practically shout it from the rooftops. I just want that back. I want the love letters and the flowers for no reason. Not in a demanding kind of way. Those things weren't expected. He did it all on whims. Because he wanted to. And I have never felt so happy or loved. I just want to feel like that again. I want all this bad stuff in my head to go away. I just want him to love me. And I want him to want everyone else to know it. I want him to want me to know it. The way it used to be.