It Only Gets Worse

My hope is already fading. I'm falling fast into depression. Hopelessness. I'm hungry, but I can't eat. Because every bite I take makes me want to get sick. My stomach is in a permanent knot. My eyes burn from the hours of crying yesterday. And every time I look at a picture of him or hang up the phone without an "I love you" I just start crying again. And I can't turn to him to cry. Because I don't want to influence him with my pain. I don't want him to stay out of obligation for hurting me. I don't want him to leave because I make him feel that way. So I feel so stuck. I guess I just have to cry alone.

I can't sleep. I toss and turn for hours mixed with more crying. This hurts so much. I should feel reassured because he wants to come back to me. But the pessimistic side of me doesn't expect him to ever come back. I guess that's why I'm hurting. Who would have thought that loving someone could hurt so much? I feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest repeatedly with a knife. A dull knife. And so I don't sleep. I don't eat. I just cry and stare off into space. Because I don't have the strength to do anything else. God, I'm so pathetic.

I just want this to be over. I just want to be back in his arms, safe and loved.