Heh

I'm so tired of being depressed. I'm tired of the bipolarness. I'm tired of getting angry over stupid stuff and hating myself to the point of paranoia about others' intentions with me. I just keep pushing people away. Even Aaron. But I talk to him. I tell him it's not his fault. That I'm sorry for going off on him for stupid reasons. That it's the chemical imbalance in my head that's speaking, not me. But it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. And that just leads to hating myself even more. And blaming myself for the problems Aaron and I have had in recent months. Which just leads to more depression. More sadness. More bad moods. I just want it all to go away. I just want to be happy with him. Like it used to be before I screwed things up with my insecurities.

We're working on things each and every day, but it doesn't take away that guilt. And until I feel myself being 100% positive of our future together like I used to, I won't stop feeling guilty. Because every doubt and every hurt feeling is my fault. And that's just the way it is. Thank God he listens to me. A lesser man would have left my sorry arse a long time ago. But not him. He's stronger than he gives himself credit for. And he DOES make me happy. Every time he asks to just hold me for a while. Every time the phone rings, and I see 'Aaron Calling' on the screen. Every time he caresses my face and brushes my hair back when he thinks I'm asleep. Every time he says, "I love you." It all means so much to me. And I refuse to let my insecurities ruin it. I won't lose him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I was better at making sure he knows that. Because right now all I do is make him feel like an asshole every time my feelings get hurt. He doesn't deserve the crap I put him through. He really doesn't. I've come to the conclusion that it's not just our relationship that needs fixing - it's me. I've known that for a long time. But I just can't seem to shake this.

Aaron thinks I need help. I think he's right.