Heartbreak

Aaron and I ended up having a tear-filled conversation last night. Which ended in another break. A for real break this time. I've already vowed not to beg him to come back again this time. He says it isn't that he doesn't love me or care about me. But he doesn't think it's fair to keep acting like he's crazily in love with me when he doesn't really feel that way anymore. Not right now. He said he isn't ready for a girlfriend PERIOD. He doesn't want to date anyone else either. He just wants to be solo for a while.

He said when he's had time to himself and decides whether or not I am the one he will tell me. But he doesn't want to break up permanently. Not right now at least. We're calling it a break because we want to be together again when it's over. Time between now and then still counts as our relationship IF we get back together. So August 1st is still our one year anniversary. But we aren't really boyfriend and girlfriend right now. We've decided to be best friends. Because that's what we are when you take away the romantic aspect of our relationship. We still want to have a relationship. We're kind of floating between friends and romantic right now. Kind of like how we were before we started dating - when we were just talking and stuff.

But I have faith that things will work out. Why? Not because I'm naive. But because he's already called me twice since then. And the second time I could hear him trying to hide the fact that he was crying. He actually told me it hurts him, too, but he feels like it's something that needs to be done. Because he wants to be sure that he wants to be with me forever before he lets me believe that. He thinks it's unfair to me to say he'll love me forever when he isn't sure of that right now. So this is really about him deciding whether or not I'm the one he wants forever. But he keeps saying it will be me in the end. So it sounds like his mind is already made up. He just needs time to figure that out for himself.

This entry is private because no one is going to know about this break until his decision is made. If he decides we shouldn't be together, we'll tell everyone we've broken up. If he decides I am the one no one will ever know about it. We'll just continue on. No sense in getting our families and friends all worked up about our issues. We're just going to take it one day at a time from this point on. And right now, I have a surprising amount of hope. Maybe because I know how much he means to me. And I know the way he looks at me contains so much more emotion than just friendship.