Back in Check

I'm okay now. As okay as I can be right now. It was silly to be upset over that, I know. His best guy friends are the only people above me, and that's perfectly understandable with what we are going through right now. But it hurt more because of what we are going through right now, too. But, whatever. I can't do anything about it without sounding petty.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. (Read: Pacing my room and talking to myself for hours at a time; sometimes crying. It helps to say these things out loud. Makes you realize how silly or not they are.) I came to a realization. When Aaron fell in love with me, I was the cute girl at the front register who always laughed. Who trusted him with her heart 100%. Who he rarely fought with. Who he never had to worry about clinginess with. And spending forever with that girl was a dream come true for him. He wanted it. He still does. He loves that girl more than anything.

But the past few months I've had this layer of bitchiness. I'm jealous. I'm clingy and possessive. I'm moody and bipolar, and I keep snapping at him and picking fights. I don't act like the Erika he loves anymore. And that's why he's scared. He doesn't want to spend forever with the person he thinks I've become. He wanted to spend forever with the girl I was. But I'm still that girl. I've decided that from this moment forward I have to drop my insecurities and put my trust in him 100%. As hard as that is to do what with us being on a break and all, it's something I have to do if I want to keep him.

Us getting back together is up to me now. He still loves me. He still wants to be with me. He doesn't want to spend his life defending himself against my jealousy, though. So no more. I'm going to be the girl he fell in love with. I've always been her. But I've had this layer of emotional crap hiding her for the past little while. And now I've made the decision to discard it. If I don't, I might as well say goodbye to him now.

I have to give him the chance to fall in love with me all over again by being the me I was when we fell in love the first time. If I do that, I have complete faith that he will come back. It is just a matter of the time involved. It will take a while for him to decide if I really am back to myself again before he can come back to me with full faith of not having to deal with my pettiness anymore. I'm actually going to tell him this. So that he can actively see me be that girl. That way he knows it isn't just in his head. It isn't him being an arse that made him feel like I was someone he didn't want to spend forever with anymore. That I was being a bitch. And he didn't deserve it. So. I'm the old Erika again. For him. Because I need him. And I know he loves me. I just have to give him the chance to see that forever with me isn't going to be a constant bitch-fest. But rather forever with me is going to be full of the happiness, love, and laughter that we surrounded each other with in the beginning.