I Screwed Up

I've been thinking a lot today. Thinking back to the fight that changed our relationship. I'm sure you all remember the entries about it. We almost broke up over it. And right after that, Aaron began to distance himself from me. And as I thought about it, I realized something. I screwed up.

When Meg came to me and said all of the stuff he had "done," I said that it was just the way Aaron is. He jokes with EVERYONE. Male and female alike. Whether or not the females take it as flirting, he does not mean it that way. I've been with him around girls. I just know that he's a joker. He likes to make people laugh. He wants everyone to like him. But she kept pushing it. And pushing it. And she was my best friend so I started thinking, "Maybe she's right." Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She pushed it until I got angry.

Then I confronted Aaron. Practically accused him of cheating on me. And it hurt him badly that I thought he could ever do something like that to me. Especially after all of the girls that did it to him in the past. I knew how he felt about it. And I trusted Meg anyway. Now that Meg and I are no longer friends, I know she was jealous of Aaron and the time I spent with him. She never had a good thing to say about him. She looked for things about him that might upset me. I knew, I KNEW, that Aaron was not the type to cheat. I KNEW that. I let Meg influence me as my friend. But it turns out she wasn't so trustworthy. I should've trusted Aaron. And I didn't. And it hurt him.

Up until that point Aaron had been giving 110% to our relationship. Flowers, drawings, letters, random visits, and phone calls just to say I love you. Sitting through the things I liked and supporting my dream of Japan so far as to research it for his own future - with me. And when I accused him like I did, it hurt him. More than I thought. Once the fight was over, and we decided to move on from it, our passion started dwindling. The phone calls came less often. And we talked less. I think Aaron just decided that if working his ass of to make me happy wasn't enough, why bother? And I can't really blame him.

I messed up. I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. And I can't take it back. I wish I could. I really do. If he and I don't make it through this and get back to the way we were, I will never forgive myself for what I've done. I want to fix it. But I don't know how. I'm going to talk to him about this tonight at some point when he calls. I know it won't fix things. But I'll feel a little better if he knows that it isn't his fault that this is happening to us. It's mine. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix it.