So...

I'm sorry I've been nothing but a pain in the ass lately. But I can't help but be worried about you. And us. There is nothing more important to me than you. Than being with you. So I can't help but get scared when things change between us or you act differently for any reason. I just need you to understand that. It's not an issue of trust. It's not an issue of 'what if'. It's just me, scared of what would become of me without you. I don't even want to think about it. I don't. Loving you is the happiest I've ever been. And knowing you love me is the best feeling in the world. Although sometimes I think you're crazy for loving me. I never thought anyone would love me. I would look in the mirror, and all I would see was ugly, stupid, useless, and worthless. I still find it hard to believe that anyone can love me. Even though I know you do. Because I still see those things when I look in the mirror. And for a long time being with you made all of those things go away. Until recently. I still feel them sometimes even when you're there with me. And that scares me.

Please don't think that I hate you. Or that I don't want to be with you. Because there is nothing I want more. I love you so much. I wish I'd put this much of myself into loving you from the start. But I didn't. And I can't change that now. But I can love you now. I can give my all now. And that's the best I can do. I can't change the past. I know you say you need to figure things out. And that's fine. But I'm here for you. I'm not something you need to figure out. And when you push me aside to figure things out, you make me feel like I'm just something else on the list. And that hurts. I always thought that when someone in a relationship was having trouble and needed to get situated that the other person was their support. That they would go to the other person for help whenever needed. That they would use the love they and that person had for each other as their constant when everything else was upside down. But I guess you don't feel that way about us. Maybe I'm just a silly hopeless romantic. But I never thought I'd be reduced to just something else on your list of things to figure out.

And that's why I'm scared. That's why I'm worried. What if you wake up one day and decide you don't need me anymore? You don't love me anymore? You don't want to be with me anymore? All because you stopped feeling for me so you could figure things out. I don't want that to happen. But if you push me aside for this, it's a good possibility. All I ask of you is to stop thinking so much when it comes to us. Don't push me aside for this. Love me, as you always have and say you always will. Lean on me when you need to. Don't be afraid to use me as your support, your constant. Isn't that what a relationship is all about? What love is all about? Being able to depend on the one you love when things get rough? If you aren't willing to lean on me, then what is to become of us? Please don't push me aside and use that distance to stop loving me. Because I really don't think I could handle it. I really don't. And I don't want you to stay with me just because I'll be hurt. But at the same time I selfishly want to do it whatever it takes to keep you from falling out of love with me.

Try to understand what I'm saying. Please reply with more than a two sentencer when you get the chance. If not, tell me about it later when you call me. Because I really need to be able to talk to you about this without fear of a fight. If I can just get this out of my head and the weight of it off of my shoulders, I wouldn't need to feel so worried and stressed about us. I really need to know what you feel. And I really want to get this sorted out between us so that we can go back to loving each other no matter what. I already love you come Hell or high water. I guess it's up to you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. Except be pushed aside like you want to do. Because I think that is the worst thing that we can do. I think that is something that will break us apart. But then again, I am stupid. What do I know?

I love you, and I always will.