Life

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
- John Lennon

Amen. I thought everything was going great. And all of a sudden it all starts to fall apart. Or at least feel that way. I lost the best friend I've ever had. And even though I'm better off not trying to please her 24/7, I still miss the person she was before she changed on me. But that's not even the worst of the mess going on inside my head. I've been friendless before, and I can do it again. I have my friends, although we aren't super close, we're friends. And that's the best that I can ask of anyone right now.

School-wise I'm just going through the motions. Everything I'm making in this class is crap. I'm just doing what I have to to get my A. The bare minimum. Which I hate. But I have so much else going on that I don't have the time outside of class to worry about class so I rush during classtime to get everything done regardless of quality. And it makes me feel guilty and unprepared.

Work-wise I'm trying to do better. Work more, goof less. But I still find myself surfing the internet or staring off into space alot. I've decided on the work mess, though. I can goof until 8 or 8:15, then I work. I do nothing but work except check my e-mail every so often until lunch. Then I work while I eat in order to get the half hour on my time sheet. Because I NEED it. Then I go to class. Then I come back from class. Work only. Unless I come back early. Then I can goof until time for me to clock in. Then at about 4:30 or 4:45 depending on whether or not I'm in the middle of something, I can goof a few minutes to wind down and head home. I think I can manage that.

My online life feels caught up but not at the same time. I'm keeping up with my journals, my website, my dailies, and forums. But I don't feel like I'm giving my all like I once did for the internet world. Something I enjoyed so much. I need to figure out why and how to get back on track. I also need to get back into drawing and writing. I don't do either anymore. And I feel like such a lazy bum because I don't even do the things I used to enjoy anymore.

I need to DDR. Badly. I feel really bad about myself lately. I need to get healthy/in shape. Speaking of myself, I'm depressed again. It snuck up on me out of nowhere. The self-hatred. I constantly find myself insulting the person I am and the way I look/am. Then I realize what I'm doing, and I cry. I cry because I never wanted to be here again. But here I am anyway.

I have Aaron, though. I hope. Even he and I have been on the fritz lately. Which just adds to my depression. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong between us. We still love each other. But he says he needs time to figure things out in his life. I told him I didn't understand how being away from me would help him do that when he says that he wants to be with me no matter what in the end. We talked about it for two hours on Sunday. He said he needed a break. That it probably wouldn't last more than two days because he doesn't WANT to be without me. But I cried. Like I have never cried before.

I didn't mean to do it in front of him. I told him I didn't want him to stay with me just because I'll get hurt. He says that's not it. He said he felt better after just talking to me about everything that he's been keeping bottled up. Then he hugged me like he has never done before. Like he was afraid to let go. Said to forget it. That he couldn't do it. He loved me too much to take a break from me. *sigh* I don't know. He says that that's the end of this break nonsense. I hope so.

But from the stuff he told me, it feels like he's setting himself up for the disappointment of a break up. He's afraid that he'll go to college, and we'll never see each other. That we'll fall out of love and break up. Which scares us both. He said it wasn't fair to me for him to be such a mess right now and expect me to stay by him and deal with it. I think that's why he pushed for a break. Because he was scared and worried about my feelings. And my feelings FOR him. But I told him that I didn't care what happened. I would find a way to see him. I would never stop loving him. And I am right here for whatever he needs. If his life is a mess, I want to help him fix it, even if I can't fix my own. Because if he isn't in my life, I don't want to fix it. It's not worth it without him. As desperate and pathetic as that sounds.

I think I finally convinced him that I didn't care about fairness. That I just want to take care of him the way he takes care of me. That I want us to stay the mushy couple we are most of the time. That I don't want him to push me away because he's afraid of hurting me. No relationship is complete without a little pain, ne? No relationship is 24/7 sunshine and daisies. That's just not how life works. And I get that. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help him through this stage of his life and keep us together. Because when this is over, I know we'll be stronger together because of it.

I won't give up on him. I need him in my life. I WANT him in my life. I don't want anyone else. EVER. He says the same. That in the end, no matter what else happens, I'm the one he wants to be with. I love him. And that's really all that matters to me. Our love for one another. I'm not worried anymore. I was really scared for a while there. But I'm not anymore. Because I have faith in us. Too much had to happen for us to even be together. I refuse to ignore that and let him slip through my fingers. I'm going to hold onto the best thing that has ever happened to me with every ounce of strength I have. No matter what it takes.