The Future

So this is something that's been on my mind recently. I don't know why I didn't blog about it sooner. But here goes. One of things going on with me and Aaron is that our ability to discuss our future has crawled off and died somewhere. We both used to be so mushy about it. We talked about getting engaged and married, about living together before and after marriage, about the sweet things we'd do for one another if we lived in the same house, and how wonderful our relationship could be if it were just the two of us without the outside pressure of parents and so forth.

The thing is, I still want to discuss it. It's not just something I think about. It's something I FEEL. When we are lying together after watching a little TV at my house or when we have a tickle war, I think, this is what I want my life to be like. With him. Just like this. I like to think about it. I like him to know I'm thinking about it. You would think that knowing I want to be a sweet, little housewife for him and take care of him would be taken as a compliment. Because he used to take it that way.

But now he says he's not ready to discuss marriage. That the thought of forever scares him. That the future scares him. And I understand that we are both young, and that he has a lot to figure out. But I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt my feelings when he doesn't want to think about a future with me. He's okay with discussing living together. Sometimes. One day he'll talk about it, too, and another he'll just nod and smile, probably in hopes that I'll stop talking about it. I don't want to get married anytime soon either. But I know I want to marry HIM someday. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. And it's like he doesn't want to think about it at all, ever. Ouch, much?

I don't know. Maybe I'm reading into it too much. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd always been this touchy about it. But I was used to the mushy, sweet Aaron who would talk about wanting to be with me forever. The guy who would ask, "If I proposed to you, would you marry me?" I miss that. And I'm willing to wait until he gets through this phase of being scared to death about his future. I'm not the only aspect he's touchy about. His whole future is shaky for him. And I don't blame him for that. I'm scared, too. But I was less scared when I knew he'd be right there beside me for the whole thing, no matter what happened. And I still want to think that. But all this talk about not wanting to talk about our future together scares me more than the actual idea of the future.