I Just Want to Cry

I am at work right now. And I feel bad for doing this when I'm supposed to be working. But I have to get this out right now. I didn't have time last night, and I've had a lot of thoughts and some conversation since then. After the anime club meeting last night, Meg took me to see Aaron at McDonald's. We talked about the play, and Meg mentioned she'd been there. I tried to act like nothing was wrong. I just hugged him and told him I loved him. Hugged him some more. I knew when I told him about the things my friends had told me, and that I was upset about them, he would blow up. I wanted to hold him while I still could. In case things got really bad. But right before I left he asked me what was wrong. Damn. Can't hide anything from him. He asked if it was something he'd done, and I told him yes. He asked if it had been something he'd said while we'd been sitting there, and I said no. He asked if it was about earlier today, and I said yes but clarified that it hadn't been anything he'd said to me on the phone - the only means of contact he had had with me all day. Then he said, "Was it the play?"

Um, guilty much? Once he found out Meg had been there, he automatically knew what I was mad about. Then he went on about how he knew what I was angry about, and it pissed him off that I was mad about it. Then he wouldn't tell me what it was he thought I was angry about. I had to leave McDonald's because Meg didn't want to sit through anymore of this. So Aaron called me later last night.

He said he wasn't going to say another word until I told him what I was angry about. Then he said he was pissed, which he reiterated throughout the entire conversation - which lasted over an hour and a half. I was up until almost 12:30 over this. Anywho, I told him some friends, other than Meg, had seen him with the girls and all that I said in my last journal entry. He proceeded to say that he knew it. That he was pissed that I would listen to them and get mad before even asking him about it. He said that I don't trust him, and that I must not love him if I can't trust him and choose to believe other people over him. That maybe we didn't need to be together.

I wanted to cry so bad. But I couldn't. I was just so exhausted from school and work related stress that I couldn't. I've only slept a few hours since our fight, and I'm still exhausted. I didn't get my homework done because I was on the phone with him. So I have to attempt to finish it on my lunch break and hope half-ass is enough to pass me for today. But now I can cry. And I want to. I just want to lay my head down on my desk and sob for a while. Wallow in my misery. Sometimes that's all it takes to see things a little more clearly when you finally stand up and wipe your eyes. But I can't. Because I have work, school, and homework to keep me busy for the next two or three days.

I apologized to Aaron for freaking out. I told him I'd been stressed lately, and I tended to exaggerate every little thing into this huge betrayal or failure. But that's just how I feel when I confront him about things. He makes me feel like shit about it. Like I don't trust him. Or love him enough. Like I'm blowing things out of proportion. And I just want us to stop fighting and for him to be happy with me, so I apologize and let it go.

But when I got up this morning, I was myself again. And I got to thinking. Then I had a chat with my mom, God Bless her. She says the way he knew, once he found out Meg had been at the play, what I was mad about and jumped to defense so quickly - the way he got so pissed so fast - was guilt. Pure and simple. He got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and he's trying to make me feel bad about it so that I won't question him anymore. That's her point of view.

I admit that Aaron is a flirt with his female friends. And yes it does bother me. But I flirt with my male friends so I really have no room to talk. But at the same time I stopped hanging out with all of my guy friends not too long ago. Why? Because Aaron wanted me to. Because Aaron was jealous. Because Aaron was uncomfortable about me hanging out with other guys alone. Even if they were just friends. But I have to sit by and let him flirt with his female friends like it's nothing. Like it's something I have no say over. What about my friends? How the hell is that fair?

And at times like right now, I'm ready to take him on. I'm ready to say, "No, this is not going to work this way." But as soon as I talk to him, it all disappears, and I take everything he has to say as fact - as truth. Like all of my previous thoughts never existed. Like I'm worthless and horrible as a girlfriend. Mistrusting and paranoid. But once I'm alone again, I berate myself for letting him make me feel that way. Because it's not true. I have every right to be angry about this. Every right to be hurt. But he won't hear me.

So, here's the problem. What now? Do I confront him again? I thought maybe I should write it to him - e-mail or letter. That way he can't interrupt or make me forget everything I wanted to say. Make me feel like crap. But the other part me just wants to let this one go - for now. Just start hanging out with my guy friends again, and when he says something say, "Why, honey? Don't you trust me?" Boy, would that ever be a burn. Haha. Either way this will explode again. As of this morning he was still upset with me. Said he couldn't believe I would believe those girls over him. So whether I write him and we get this out right now, or I hold off and turn it back around on him by hanging out with my guy friends - in a very non-romantic way, I might add - this will come up again. I will get hurt. I will cry. Aaron and I might even break up. And I don't know if I can do it. I really don't.

When he made the comments about breaking up last night when he was angry, I almost broke right then and there. I thought the stuff I went through when John dumped me was bad, but I never even dreamed of caring for John the way I love Aaron. What would happen to me? Would I sink past the point I went to when John broke up with me? I didn't think it was possible to sink any lower than how I was then. God, I don't want to be like that again. And it's like I have no control over it. I'm already relapsing due to all of the recent crap Aaron and I have been going through. What am I going to do?

I just need to cry. I just need to think. I wish I could have stayed at home and done that today. But work and school are my priorities. And unfortunately they take up all of my time - even when I'm not there. I may cry today. Maybe in a minute when I'm done with this entry even. But if I do, I'll have to keep on working. I can't lay my head down and cry. Because I'm here to work.

God, I don't know what to do...