Feeling Lonely
I hate it when I feel like this. These moods creep up on me from time to time, though. Much more often than I write about. It has nothing to do with family or friends. It's not that kind of loneliness. Sometimes it's because I miss John, and others it has nothing to do with him. Right now it's both. I miss him because he's the only one I've ever loved. And at this moment I'm missing that love. The feeling that kind of love brings me. And even if I find someone else, it could take months or even years for that feeling to come between us. It differs for each couple. Just because it only took a few months for John and I, doesn't mean the same would happen again with whomever else I meet.
If I ever meet anyone else. I feel like there's no hope for me when it comes to that. None at all. Not here. Not in college. Not in Hawaii. Not in Tokyo. As badly as I want it. Need it. I'm an emotional person. I need other people. Another person. To love unconditionally who'll give the same love in return. But when I get like this I feel I haven't a chance. Why would someone want me? Why would someone choose me to love that much? Unconditionally? What would ever make me so special? And in my eyes nothing will ever make me that special. Not now, not ever. And it gets me down sometimes. Like now.
I seriously need to stop watching romantic music videos about Usagi and Mamoru from PGSM. That's what triggered it this time. Usagi and Mamoru. The model couple to any fan. Unconditional love and eternal happiness. No matter what happens, they overcome it. No matter how bad it gets, their love survives it. And they love each other all the more after each passing trial. Each hardship. I have trouble believing such love exists in the real world. And if it does, I'll never have the opportunity to experience it. To be a part of it. No one is ever going to look at me and see the person they want to share that with.
2 Comments:
Excellent, I subject I can finally help on! *stretches fingers to type*
It will come. If it can come to the wierd types of people that it does, it will happen to you. It might surface when you least expect it. Brett and I knew each other but never as more than classmates. Suddenly there was a joke about us going to Prom, and then two seconds later (literally), it was serious, and then a week later it was even more serious.
Somehow, I think the universe notices people's moods like this. For example, I also had been longing for someone, but around early March I decided that nothing was going to happen, and I made it a point to focus on other things like graduation. Less than a month later, Brett came along. My point is that you shouldn't think about it. Your trip to Japan and summer vacation (and MY visit :P) are reason enough to concentrate on other things. I think once you do, things might change because the universe is just that perverse.
You're an amazing girl, but the office upstairs is running a little late getting your potential mate request papers processed. Why not do something fun while you sit and wait? (Like enjoy MY visit :P)
I agree with Shakaku.
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