Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself

I'm so sick of this on again, off again thing for John that I have. One minute I'm thinking, "Hey, I really care about him, but I can live without him. No big deal." The next I want to bang my head against my locker in frustration because I care about him so much, and he doesn't know or seem to care.

I ran into him, almost literally, at the new Super Wal-Mart today. He was with some friends in the CD section. He turned a corner while I was looking at something, and when I turned around to leave the aisle I almost experienced a head on collision with the boy. He looked down at the stuff on the aisle and started talking to his friends like I wasn't even there. I just ducked my head and walked around him fast enough to be running until I was out of the section.

No I didn't say anything to him or see him anymore. It really hurt that he didn't say anything to me. (Although I didn't say anything to him, either, but that's my fault.) Not an excuse me or I'm sorry for almost colliding with me. And not even a hi after the split second eye contact he made before turning away from me. Ouch. That's all I can say.

I'd already been thinking about him a lot lately and trying to suppress it. And then this little incident just made me want to crawl in a hole and stay there for my naivete. I just keep hoping and hoping and hoping only to have my hopes crushed into thousands of tiny pieces every time I see him and he says nothing. Rarely, though sometimes, I get the courage to smile or say hi. But that's rare. And I don't get much of a response because he has usually looked away by the time I do so. *sigh* Someone hit me.