So Much for Tokyo

When will I have been punished enough for what happened that Thursday morning? When will it be enough? How long will it take before I just can't take anymore? Not long. I'm so close to just losing my mind right now it isn't even funny. I'm not even joking. It's not bad enough that I felt guilty for costing my parents a paid off car and worry. No, that's not enough. It's not enough that I had to miss two days of school and now have to take exams at the end of the semester. No, that's not enough. It's not enough that I had to miss the Mid-Winter dance which I had looked forward to for weeks. No, that's not enough. It's not enough that I have to hobble around, be tardy for class, be in pain all the time, and have other people carry my stuff around. No, that's not enough. Oh no, there's much, much more on the horizon.

We received the hospital bills for the treatment of my brother and I after the accident. $6,300 for my brother, and $7,500 for me. For some x-rays and a couple IVs. But, no, that's not all. That's just for the hospital. There will be more bills. For the doctors. For the people that read the x-rays. For the helicopter that flew me into the hospital. More bills. Isn't over $13,000 enough for these people? Holy Mother of God, when is it enough? Our car insurance only covers $5,000 per person, and we don't have medical insurance. That's right. No medical insurance. We are going to be paying this off for YEARS. And my dad is making sure to remind just how much he's going to pay for how long. Why don't you just make me feel all the more guilty, Dad? You say you aren't blaming me. Well, it sure as Hell sounds like it! Gah!

But even that isn't enough. No. My trip to Tokyo in '06 is officially canceled. Seeing Tokyo in another year kept me going. It kept me hoping for better things to come. And now it's not coming in '06. If ever. If I can ever escape this place. If I can ever escape having next to no money. What did I do that was so horrible to deserve this? What did I freakin' do? I want to know, damn it! No more new clothes. No more Japanese CD's. NO MORE ANYTHING!! NOT ONE DAMN THING!

I mentioned to my dad that if I worked only a few hours after school from sometime in the near future until June of '06 I could afford to take Mom and I to Tokyo. Oh no, that pissed him off. Pretty much told me I was selfish for wanting to use any money I made to go to Tokyo. That I should use it all to help pay the debt I'd created. That he was tired of sacrificing. It was someone else's turn. And I haven't sacrificed? What the Hell? Damn life and all the crap it seems to deal me. Damn it all. Of course I would help them pay off the debt with extra money I could make by working weekends, breaks, and summer. Did he think I was so low as to keep every cent for myself? He knows even less about me than I thought. And that's sad. It really is. And it pisses me off that he assumed that before I could even say anything about helping him out with the debt. That he just went off about how I should give up my dream of Tokyo because of this. I refuse to rot away here in the Boonies and give up my dreams because of this. I REFUSE! I AM NOT giving up Tokyo. I WILL NOT. If I can find a way to get there, I AM going. And nothing is going to stop me.

And to make my life oh so much more dandy at this point in time, John has a girlfriend. Yes, I am one hundred percent sure of it at this point. Didn't even have to ask. I could tell by how cozy they are in the halls, etc. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I don't care anymore. It doesn't do me any good to care. About anything. To even have any kind of soul or passion. Because it's always ripped away from me. Always. I give up. There's no point in fighting it. There's no point in trying. Doesn't do me any good at all. I GIVE UP.