Alone.

(Before I even begin, I don't want any of my online friends or friends in my real life to think this entry pertains to them in any way. I love you all very much and probably would have lost my sanity long ago if it weren't for you guys. But even you don't really know me, and none of us are extra close. Just know that's what I mean when I say I have no friends. I love you guys.)

I'm counting down the days until summer just so I don't have to see Kesha and Erin anymore. I hate going to school every day just because I have to be around them. I don't know how much more of their crap I can take. I went to Kesha's birthday party this afternoon. Erin bashed me because I didn't want to be part of the water balloon fight. I could ignore that. But with only twenty minutes left of the party, Kesha hadn't cut the cake or opened her presents. I had asked her once-ONCE-to do it before I left. Five minutes later, they're still taking their sweet time(they being Kesha, Erin, Shea, and Danielle). So I go to her room and say, in a somewhat cheerful tone-as hard as it was for me to be cheerful at all, I tried-"Kesha, I want you to open your presents before I leave." And before I even get past the word presents, she says-in one of the snottiest tones you can imagine-"I know!! God!" So I left the room 'cause I could feel the tears coming on. Then I hear all four of them in her room talking about me like I can't hear them. Being downstairs, I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but I kept hearing the word 'she' followed by "whispering".

I wanted to cry. I can't stand being the outcast anymore. And I'm tired of trying to keep them all happy. I'm tired of getting bashed, especially when I have done nothing worthy of this crap. I'm thinking very seriously about writing a long letter to each of them, Erin and Kesha, on the last day of school. But at the same time, I don't want them to think they've won. I just...I just don't know what I'm going to do next. As soon as I walked through my door this evening, I just flopped onto my bed and cried. I've tried to be strong and not cry or show that they've hurt me, but it's getting so hard to do that. I really have no true friends. Someone I can hang out with 24-7, tell everything, and be myself around.

I don't plan on being around Kesha or Erin at all this summer if I can help it. I'll probably hook up with some of my old friends that still love me and get as far away from this crap with those two as I possibly can. If I have to be completely alone in order to stop this, I will be. I can't take being this miserable. I always feel like it's my fault that no one can stand to be around me. But I give up trying to please everyone else. Screw it. I'm tired of caring about having a best friend. It always gets me into crap like this. Why should I care that the "best years of my life", my only time as a teenager, are miserable and lonely? No one around me seems to think about that as they put me down. And to think these are supposed to be the fun years, the years when I'm supposed to be carefree and partying with friends. Geez. What a load of crap.