Fallen.

I'm back to square one. I felt like I had risen so far above my depression that I would soon be free of it completely. But, I fell. All that work I did to at least attempt happiness, is gone. I can't really explain what happened. I just woke up one morning and realized that my life was a lie. I wasn't really happy. Nothing was as I tried to make it. I'm still confused about who I want to be. Who is Erika? I don't know, and I can't seem to figure it out. I thought I was over analyzing everything about myself and hating what I found. But it's all rushed back to me. All the little things I hate about myself. The fact that I have no true friends also came back to me. No one at school that I can count on, at least. Besides Amber, anyway. I have my online friends and a couple people from my old school, but...it's almost impossible for me to hang out with them all the time. I'm not extremely close to any of them, as much as I'd like to be. We're friends, and I'll talk to them and stuff. But none of us really know each other.

I guess all this no true friends junk came about because of the two people I thought were my best friends. I thought that Erin and Kesha were my two best friends in the whole world, and that I finally had a group of friends like you see in the movies. But I was wrong. Just when I thought things were going great, they all started falling down at one time. Kesha is a natural flirt, and now she keeps flirting with the boy I like. Every time I say something about it to her, she just gets worse. Not only does it make me kind of mad, but it hurts. I trusted her and considered her my friend.

And now Erin's against me again. Neither one of them has actually said or done anything obvious to say that they aren't friends with me, but I'm not stupid. They both went to Dollywood yesterday for foreign language classes. I couldn't go, because I'm not in a foreign language this block. Every day this week, whenever the three of us were together, Kesha would ask repeatedly, "We're meeting at this place right?", "We're hanging out with these people, right?", "We're riding this, right?", etc. That hurt. Erin and her have also been talking on the phone every night for hours, and Kesha has been sure to mention it multiple times. Erin never calls me, and when Kesha calls me it's to talk about the twenty guys that she flirted with that day. Ouch?

I wanted to share live action Sailormoon with Kesha, because we were both obsessed with the anime and manga versions back in the day. That's how we became best friends, actually. And she put it down. She had never even seen it, yet she said she didn't like it. I was just trying to share something with my best friend. I've been asking her for weeks to come over today so that she could watch it, and she decides this week that Erin should come because we all need to "talk". She said Erin could watch it, too, but I doubt we'd be watching any PGSM. And the "talk"? More like an Erika bashing party. She called me moments ago just to tell me how much fun she and Erin had yesterday and what all they did. She hung up because I got angry when she said I lied about acknowledging something she said because she didn't hear me say anything. That's one thing that angers me more than anything else. Being called a lier. I would never even dream of hurting her the way she has hurt me. And just when I thought we'd put all this petty crap behind us. It angers me so much. But it hurts, too. I can't decide whether to be mad or upset. I'm a big jumble of both right now.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to pull any tit-for-tat junk, that's for sure. I'm not going to let her know that she's hurt me. I'm just going to shrink into myself more. I'm not going to talk about stuff around them or to them. I'm just going to keep it all in and tell someone who will care about what I have to say and not use it against me. I'm not going to let either one of them know that I'm mad or upset. I only have two years of high school left. I'm not going to put up with this petty crap for that much time. If it means being alone, I guess I'll just have to be alone. No matter how much I hate that feeling.